


Ridiculous

by A_Candle_For_Sherlock



Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Epistolary, First Kiss, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Just because I wanted to, M/M, Poor Watson, Things Holmes Wasn't Meant To Read, accidental love confession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 08:42:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10408299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Candle_For_Sherlock/pseuds/A_Candle_For_Sherlock
Summary: Why Holmes Is Ridiculous: Being a list of his oddities, which I am keeping for my own amusement, or possibly for blackmail. I will add to this whenever fresh proof comes to hand.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [荒谬透顶](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10515060) by [EleanorYang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EleanorYang/pseuds/EleanorYang)



> Russian translation here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11684082?view_full_work=true

Why Holmes Is Ridiculous;

Being a list of his oddities, which I am keeping for my own amusement, or possibly for blackmail. I will add to this whenever fresh proof comes along.

1\. The Persian slipper. He keeps his tobacco in the toe of a slipper. Why? Does it tickle his sense of humor? Was it simply the nearest thing to hand? Does the tobacco not taste of feet, now?

2\. The knife in the mantelpiece, which keeps his correspondence in place. I do not understand the purpose in stabbing one’s letters. It is neither picturesque nor practical, and it makes a series of holes in the mantel. It also makes the letters rather difficult to read.

3\. The contradiction between his professed philosophy and his actual soul. He talks like an ascetic, and lives like a poet. He scolds me for sentimentality and praises the flowers. He calls my stories rubbish for their romanticism, then lets our suspect escape because he committed his crimes for the sake of love. He names his own body mere transport, claims to live wholly divorced from its sensations, yet surrounds himself in music and flowers, and delights in the Baths, and takes me to out to dinner at every possible excuse.

4\. He once summoned me all the way across town to listen to his thoughts on the beautiful nature of dog-kind. He sent me a telegram. He said it was urgent.

5\. He has the eyelashes of a society girl. A very lovely girl.

6\. Also, he colours up like a girl when I praise him; turns pink as a peach. I praise him as often as I can manage it, for the entertainment. 

7\. He has the manners of a cat. He lays about about all evening, prowls about all night, and finally falls asleep in broad daylight, in odd places–curled up in the depths of his armchair, or stretched out on the sofa; once, atop my shoulder, in a railway car. I spent the better part of two hours with him snoring gently into my neck, trying my utmost not to laugh.

9\. He is really quite discourteous to the Yard, who are actually useful to him; yet he is startlingly attentive to me, and has always been so, long before I became at all useful, or proved myself anything more than a broken-down reject of his Majesty’s service. He mocks my writing, but he treats me beautifully.

8\. He takes no exercise whatsoever, despises fresh air, and spends a quarter of his days full prone upon the sofa, thinking; yet he maintains a remarkable physique: slender, lean musculature capable of sudden power and startling grace; bright eyes, magnificent legs. He’s like a thoroughbred horse; his strength is in the bone of him. He’s–-

[Here the numbered list breaks off abruptly. There is a single notation beneath this point, in the same pen, but notably shaky:]

What have I been thinking? How on earth have I allowed myself to get so far? 


	2. Chapter 2

“Do you really think me ridiculous?”

“Holmes. Oh, Holmes, you did take it. You’ve had it this entire time?”

“...Yes."

“What have you been doing with it all these weeks?…Never mind, I don’t want to know. Please give it to me.”

“Tell me what the last line means.”

“Nothing. It means nothing of any significance. Will you give it here?”

“It is impossible for it to mean nothing.”

“Nothing that need concern you, then.”

“Watson.”

“Holmes. I can’t tell you.”

“Could you tell me if I held your hands? Like so? H’m, no, it appears that strikes you speechless. What if I do this? Ah. Still speechless….Oh. Oh, you’re shaking. Are you angry? Have I offended you? Watson–-I am sorry. I should leave.”

“No!…Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I think you are ridiculous. And wondrous. You are wondrous.”

“Oh…That is acceptable.”

“Come here. You're blushing.”

“I am not.”

“Pink as a peach. Absolutely beautiful.”

“For God’s sake!”

“Come here, and I'll shut up.”

“…You're ridiculous.”

“What? Take your face out of my neck, I can’t hear you.”

“I said, you’re ridiculous, too.”

“Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful? We match.”


End file.
